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I began this series with a brief description
of the primary eight invisible stains of the soul. I will continue
Part II and here I will focus with the first stain. You Are an
Illegitimate Child.
Society will have you believe that being an
illegitimate child is not important anymore. Society will have you
believe that every child is considered important and has the same
opportunities in life. While yes, in an Utopian Society this would
certainly work and ideally this should, indeed, be the way we
think and treat our children, I will argue that this is not so.
From my simple observations of life, I will
state that the world is in a state of hurt and there is no such
thing as a normal family. I will acknowledge that we are all
dysfunctional in one way or another. If we perceive ourselves as
perfect and perceive that we have the perfect family, again I
state that we live under a huge misconception, as we all have our
own individual shortcomings.
In my vision of a perfect life, a young
couple falls in love, gets married, has children, and lives
happily ever after. Back in the 1940's and 1950's families stayed
together; however, sometimes through unbearable unhappiness,
suffering and abuse. The children suffered in their own way, as
child abuse was not addressed and children were not protected.
That is the bad side. The good side is that these were your
children, both his and hers and each child was loved equally by
mother and father.
In today's world, and since the 1960's, we
have sought to improve the quality of our lives. We reasoned that
a child was happy if the parents were happy and, therefore,
parents were encouraged to leave an unhappy marriage. While all
this is well and good, studies have found that divorce affects
children adversely and children tend to blame themselves for the
breakup of their parents. Children are then shared in the new
joint custody rite, spending a certain amount with mom and then
spending a fair amount with dad.
Life changed, traditions were disregarded,
and before you knew it, life had drastically changed. No more do
we ostracize a young girl who finds herself pregnant, and
rightfully so. But do we truly give her all the emotional tools
and support needed for her to bring up that baby?
Single women who find their biological clock
ticking toward its end, now have the choice without any societal
repurcussions to have a child and bring it up as a single parent.
This type of child is what once was called an illegitimate child
and looked down upon, many times to be ostracized. I will point
out that in many countries this is still considered taboo; in
fact, A good portion of the world does not find this acceptable.
Now, we humans share one very common trait,
the need for love and acceptance. Most likely, because of this
very basic need, at one point or another, the single parent will
find themslves married or they will at least be involved in a
relationship.
It is extremely unusual to find a person
that will totally accept another's child as their own, love it as
their own, and be fair with that child, as they would normally be
if it were their biological child. In nine out of ten cases, the
illegitimate child and also the stepchild, as in this case there
is very little or no difference, will not be treated fairly. I
refer to this as The Cinderella Syndrome.
These children receive a huge invisible
stain on their soul, as they are not fully accepted. Acceptance is
crucial to emotional wellbeing. A child does not have the defense
mechanisms that we adults develop. They are totally dependent on
us for care, love, support, and guidance. Just as we adults,
children are not perfect. However, instead of being understanding
and offering guidance, because of our hurried pace in life, we
tend to react with anger and impatience. The child becomes the
intruder, the one responsible for separating the couple and is
blamed for all the friction and unhappiness in the family. I
maintain that this child, just as any other child, needs love,
nurturing and guidance and that we, as adults, are the ones that
have failed or are failing, in the proper care of that child.
I look around and I see our children in
America in a most terrible state. They are belligerent, out of
control, insist on living their own lives, and even run away when
necessary. They are merely expressing their need for love and
acceptance. If you cannot get it at home or you perceive that you
are not loved at home, you will go elsewhere to find it.
Therefore, there will be more babies born to young girls, only
perpetuating the illegitimate child cycle, The Cinderella
Syndrome.
The effects of The Cinderella Syndrome needs
to be acted out. It is impossible to keep those feelings bottled
up within you. Let's look at the modern diseases that have
surfaced because the need for love and acceptance was never
fulfilled. Anorexia, Bulimia, Cutting, Agoraphobia, just to name a
very few. These are all emotional conditions. People suffering
from these conditions, and many more that I have not mentioned,
are simply starved for love. These are just a few of the ways that
love starvation is manifested.
We, who are all really children, whether 1
or 100, have the ability to break this cycle. We need not live
suffering in this way anymore. We need not bring another child
into the world that will just take up where we have left off. Love
and acceptance begins with each one of us individually. We must
love and accept ourselves. Looking for love outside of ourselves
never works. The answer to our happiness, fulfillment, and
emotional wellbeing lies as close as just looking in the mirror.
It lies within us. As you read this you may think it is
impossible, but it is not. Yes, it takes work, it takes developing
new habits, new ways of thinking, it is a new learning experience,
but once you start to catch on, you will see that life is new and
exciting. The relationships that you attract will not be because
of your need to be loved, they will merely enhance who you are, as
you will enhance who they are.
When you love and value yourself, you will
automatically love and value your children, and also your mate's
children, as you will realize that we are all unique beings put on
this planet to grow and learn. As adults, we should be guiding
these precious little souls to be the best that they can be. We
truly need to love them unconditionally.
It is most unusual when a person is able to
do this on their own. Seek help, guidance, depending on your
situation or if depression is involved, seek a doctor. It is very
possible for you to leave a destructive life, replacing
worthlessness with self esteem. The feeling of being worthless is
really a lie that is ingrained in us by the layers of life that we
acquire in this very complicated journey. Self esteem is truth.
Immediately acknowledge that every negative thought you think with
regard to yourself is a lie and replace it with the truth, a
positive statement.
Lastly, I will leave you with this, which is
most important. Don't ever blame your parents or anyone in your
past or present for where you are today. They did the best they
could with what they had to work with. They dealt with their own
hurts, their own fears, and feelings of inadequacy. Whether they
are alive or passed on, love them, as this is crucial to your own
healing. Blame and hate will just destroy you. Understanding and
love will heal. You can't fix your past in any way, whether you
made your own decisions, or were the victim of someone else's
decisions. You do have control over your future from this moment
on. This is the first moment of the rest of your life. Learn from
your past and apply it towards good, not only to enhance your own
life but to enhance the lives of others. In fact, because of your
past experiences, you may be able to lead a most fulfilling life
by applying the lessons you have learned. You have been shown
first hand what not to do.
Whether you have a child in marriage or out
of marriage, know that your child is the most important thing to
you. You have been given a gift to mold and guide through life
which should be cherished by you and most certainly your mate. It
is a very difficult situation when someone that is not a
biological parent comes into the family and is given the honorary
role of parent. Many conflicts need to be resolved, as is only
natural. This situation is a very big adjustment for all
concerned, but before becoming a family, discuss the situation and
the family to be may want to sit down and establish ground rules.
Write them down, have everyone sign at the bottom, and until the
rules become a matter of habit, keep them where they can be seen.
When a rule is broken, call it to the attention of the offending
party.
Love and respect between a child and a new
parent will not be automatic. In most instances, it will have to
grow, it will have to be earned. A new parent would be remiss to
think that the child will automatically love and respect them.
These things must be earned. When starting a new family, you hold
the key as to whether it will be a peaceful and loving situation
or sheer chaos. Take it slow and see that child as an individual
with their own hopes, dreams, and fears.
Always remember, you are the adult and they
are the child.
